Sleep....

I haven't blogged in a while and I'm awake so why not reveal some of my inner demons to those that care. I've suffered from insomnia since I was 12 years old. It has never mattered how long I've been awake or how tired I am, I've always had the most difficult time falling asleep. Even when I do fall asleep, I'm very restless. I don't remember the last time I had a good, refreshing night of sleep. I have no idea what it's like to wake up feeling refreshed and energized as an adult. It really has me wondering what actually causes this behavior.

I don't know the exact moment, but I do remember the events surrounding my life during the time this condition was developed. But it is difficult to pinpoint the exact event that caused me to be cursed with the inability to fall asleep like a normal human being when the sun falls and the sky transforms to blackness. I'm not sure if it is fear, creativity, anxiety, or something that I don't have the words to describe yet. I'm not sure if its a strong fear within myself to not live up to the expectations I've set for myself, or if its the fear of the alcohol and drugs that influenced the person that I felt was supposed to protect me the most. Or maybe its all of the thoughts that enter my mind that helps to make me good at what I do when the sun is visible.

Maybe its the thoughts that enter my mind when my eyes finally close for the evening and the activity that my brain generates in a series of pictures that seem all too real.

Whatever it is that keeps me awake at night, I'm grateful for it instead of being angry about my lack of sleep. It has helped me gain wisdom beyond my years on earth. It gives me the time to decipher all the hectic things that take place throughout the day. It gives me an opportunity to make sense of what has become my life and to improve on who I am. It gives me the chance to look within to become a better person to all the people that count on me. Maybe my lack of sleep is God's way of telling me that there is more for me to learn about myself and the rest of the world. I guess I can sleep once I figure out the answers to those questions that have puzzled me since the dawn of my existence: "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Why have I been chosen to walk in this flesh that people know as Mario Washington?" I suppose that once those questions are answered, there won't be much of a reason to stay awake...